A Visible Symbol

Having committed myself to being a Hellene, I am discovering so many subtle changes in my thoughts and behaviors. I find myself contemplating the relevant gods and philosophies in almost everything I do, down to the most ordinary household chores. This is actually encouraged, and some would say essential, to the practice of Hellenismos, and I find myself doing it automatically. When I turn on the stove to begin making a meal, I offer up a praise to Hestia, Goddess of the Hearth and Home. When I sit down to read a book, I honor and praise Apollon and Athena, and ask for their blessing and encouragement as I gain wisdom and knowlege. I praise Helios for the sun on my face when I step outside. This is not obligation, this is genuine thankfulness and recognition for everything in my life, and it comes very naturally to me, though I am still working on getting comfortable with the more formal ritual prayers and contemplation, and undergoing a process of trial and error in regards to ritual format and offerings.

I have also been feeling a personal calling to embrace a visible, tangible symbol of my spiritual life. This has come in the form of headcovering. Headcovering has a long and varied history through just about every religious tradition, so this is not such an unusual calling. The religion of the Ancient Greeks in general did not demand headcovering of any kind, but there are various historical sources that indicate that it was practiced in some form by various different facets. Adult women in Greece and Rome wore coverings when they ventured out in public, though this was a cultural manifestation rather than religious obligation. I have chosen to wear a headcovering for several reasons.

1. My patron deity, Hestia, the goddess with the most influence in my life, is portrayed as veiled in classical imagery, and covering my hair gives me a personal, visible symbol of my reverence for her and my devotion to living by the principles she embodies.

2. As mentioned above, it was common for Ancient Greek and Roman women to cover their heads in public, and while it is not a religious obligation, I feel a sense of comfort in taking on a simple, everyday practice of my ancestors.

3. Taking a few minutes before leaving the house to tie on a scarf or tuck my hair into a snood instills a sense of discipline and obligation in my life, and helps overall in my personal commitment to piety and purposeful living.

4. There is an element of modesty to headcovering, as pretty much every Western culture throughout history has eroticized or elevated the hair of women as a thing of beauty and power. In the Homeric Hymns, goddesses are often described and praised as "rich-haired." Hellenismos respects human sexuality and while it is not considered dirty or "sinful," it is considered a powerful element of life, and responsibility is emphasized. My sexuality is devoted exclusively to my marriage, and keeping my hair (which I do consider to be the sexiest, most attractive part of me), at least the majority of it, "under wraps" is respectful to my husband and to our exclusive relationship.

5. I am very girly, and I love accessories! It is fun to develop a collection of scarves, snoods, and kerchiefs in a variety of colors and styles.

Ultimately, I have made the choice to don this visible symbol of my Hellenic lifestyle because it is right for me. It doesn't make me a better Hellene than those who don't cover, it just makes me a better me.

So Here It Is...

I have decided on "Walking My Path" as my blog's new, and hopefully, final, title. My path has not been an easy one, religiously speaking, but it is mine, and mine alone. That is a statement that I hope to convey very clearly throughout the life of this blog. After years of studying and attempting to put into practice (with varying results) just about every different spiritual path I encountered, I have chosen to embrace Hellenismos as my religious identity. This was not an easy decision by any means, but it has been a long time coming. The Hellenic gods have always been with me in one way or another, even when I didn't think they ever could be, and even when I was doing things that most likely would piss them off royally! While I still have more to learn about Hellenic reconstructionism, and how I can apply it to my life, I feel I have come home. I am where I need to be. One of my biggest fears in embracing a set religious path was that I would have to turn my brain off, and follow someone or something else dogmatically. Now I see that is not necessary, and while I will always strive for authenticity in practice and philosophy, I ultimately accept that the final arbiter must be my own intuition and my own thoughts. At the end of the day, it is my brain that is processing the information taken from the ancient texts and modern analyses, and I have to be accountable to myself when it comes to intellectual honesty. One of the main reasons I never found most mainstream religions to be a good fit is that so much blind faith is required. Questions are so often deflected or simply written off as insolence or rebellion. But, my inquisitive little mind begs, isn't religion supposed to ANSWER questions?More often, it seemed, each answer I was given opened me up to a bunch of new questions that no one wanted/was able to answer. Example:

Follower of Abrahamic Monotheistic faith: "God is the Creator of the universe, and he expects us to follow certain divinely mandated laws."

Me: "How did God create everything from nothing? What method did God use? If nothing existed before God created it, then where did God come from, and how can we say that there was ever a state of "nothingness" if God was there the whole time? Why is God only referred to as male, but all humans are supposedly made in God's image? Why are there conflicting mandates in the same scriptures?"

Follower of Abrahamic Monotheistic faith:....*mumble* Just have faith...

Needless to say, that got really old, really fast. I think what kept me skewing towards neo-pagan thoughts and beliefs was, aside from it being familiar to me through my mother, was that faith was de-emphasized in, and sometimes, completely irrelevant to, the philosophies and practices. The nature of the existence of the pantheons of gods, be it literal, pantheistic, panentheistic, or otherwise, is more or less up to the individual to decide (this is not so different from other religions, as no two people, even sitting in the same church or temple, will ever describe their God in exactly the same way). If one's own reason and mind could not lead one to the conclusion that the existence of deity is literal, then that is okay. It does not change the fact that they revere that deity in whatever capacity they do believe it exists, be it metaphorical, archetypal, etc. This was a very refreshing, welcoming viewpoint. Ultimately, though, I found most of modern Paganism to be very hollow spiritually, with no real connection to the ancient world or humanity's journey through time besides the superficial names and symbols attached to various gods. I make no value judgement on the practitioners of any Pagan path, though. It simply wasn't right for me. I require more in the way of tradition, some knowledge that what I am doing and contemplating has been done and contemplated by countless numbers of my cultural and spiritual ancestors.

Within Hellenismos, it is more or less the same as far as the nature of Divine existence. How an individual perceives the nature of the gods existence is not as important as the methods by which they live out their devotion to them. The point is to practice rituals and honor the deities in ways that would have been familiar to the ancient Greeks, to remain devoted to the lifestyle and ethics as described by the writings of the philosophers and sages, and to derive spiritual fulfillment from those practices. This does not mean a rejection of the modern world in any way. Hellenes are not seeking to remake ancient Greek society, we are seeking to apply the timeless spiritual wisdom to the here and now. It is a mission I am proud to undertake

New Blog Title (Maybe) Coming Soon!

This blog has already undergone so many changes, I am hesitant to do any more re-working. Unfortunately, life doesn't really care about my blog's consistency, and there have been some rather big changes happening very fast that have brought this blog's title under reconsideration.

I have always identified as a "Pagan." It seemed the simplest way to make it very clear that my religious life is completely outside the Abrahamic sphere. Modern Paganism, Wicca, and New Age beliefs have created a cultural atmosphere that is very welcoming, and my beliefs, even as they have evolved over time, have always been accepted and embraced within that atmosphere. But, I am wondering now if "Pagan" is the best description, given the direction my spiritual life has been going. I have been drifting away from the eclectic, neo-pagan paradigms of my youth, and feeling a call towards the more traditional reconstructionism of Hellenismos. The main thing I have always searched for in a religion is a system of belief and practice that does not compromise my intellectual integrity. I did not want to have to deny facts that I can plainly see to be true. My love of science and desire for knowledge about the world around me is not something I am willing to compromise, and I cannot imagine any god desiring for me to supress my natural talents and abilities, or ignore what I am able to perceive with my own eyes. The second thing I wanted in a religion is a connection to my cultural, spiritual, and familial ancestry. Being half-Greek, and being raised in a home with an eclectic mother that introduced me to the Olympians at an early age, and a Greek Orthodox grandmother who strongly emphasized our heritage (the Father character in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" had nothing on my Grandma when it came to Greek Pride!), I suppose it is only natural that the Gods of Hellas would be calling me home. Admittedly, there is another half to my identity, and the Norse and Celtic pantheons of my ancestry on my father's side will always hold a special place in my heart. The stories and mysteries of those gods are facinating to me, but I never felt a spiritual connection to them the same way I do the Dodokatheon. In truth, Hellenismos does not deny the other polytheistic pantheons, but rather regards them as the same entities in essence, but understood through different cultural lenses.

So, it should come as no surprise to anyone who has followed me on Facebook for any length of time that I will probably be changing what is under "Religion" on my info page once again (I think this is the 6th time in two years, though the changes mostly reflect a need to accurately describe my beliefs as opposed to constantly changing the beliefs themselves). Thus, since my blog title also reflects my previous devotion to the "P" word, that will likely be changing again, too. Now, I just have to think of one!

Back To My Roots

I was born into a very spiritually diverse family. My mother is an eclectic pagan, and studied many different forms of Eastern spirituality and mysticism throughout her life. My father may have been an atheist, or at least was indifferent to any God he did believe in. My maternal grandmother, whom I lived with until I was 12, was of the Greek Orthodox Church, and there were elements of folk magic in her day-to-day living that had their roots in her family line going back at least a couple of generations. My grandfather was Irish Catholic. I have a Christian aunt who married a Jewish man, and a cousin who is currently finding religion behind bars. I was brought up learning a combination of my mother and grandmother's faiths, but always gravitated more towards my mother's views. I was enthralled by the mysteries and stories of the gods of several pantheons, mostly those of my actual blood ancestry, Greek, Roman, Norse, and Celtic. I am grateful for the eclectic, diverse views I was exposed to in my early years. I feel it protected me from falling into the all-too-common trap of believing there is only one true religion. I learned early on that when it comes to spirituality, truth is a very slippery thing, and much more subjective than most realize. I feel that, within a framework of love and appreciation for the whole of humanity and a desire to do good in this world, the concept of Unverified Personal Gnosis is a valid one. My personal gnosis is that the nature of the gods is pantheistic, in that they are one and the same with natural phenomena, but that does not mean they cannot be communicative with humanity. Human thought and communication is a natural phenomenon as well, isn't it? I am not sure I have the proper words to explain it right now, so I will just move on.

Recently, I have felt the pull to return to the Greco-Roman side of my heritage, and the gods in that pantheon. The sagas of those gods and heroes have always held a special place in my heart and soul, and I feel I am coming upon a turning point in my spiritual development. The time may come, very soon, that I devote myself to that pantheon completely. This is something I must continue to meditate and pray on, but there is an intimate tendril creeping into my heart from Olympus itself, and I believe it is about to take root. I am not exactly sure how many readers I have, but however many, I will keep you all posted!

Family Matters

Fortuna was good to me in regards to my in-laws. For the most part, my husband's family has been very gracious in welcoming me into their homes and treating me like family. The fact that most of them are very devout in their various Christian beliefs (some are Catholic, some are Baptist) made this rather surprising at first. I have never made any attempt to hide my beliefs or shy away from talking about them with the same casualness they speak of their Christianity, but in doing so, I was bracing myself for at least some fallout. Aside from a few odd looks and head shakings, there was no real fallout to speak of. Recently, I have been in contact with The Hubby's aunt through Facebook. I think she was rather surprised to discover that, despite her being Baptist and me being Pagan, our values are very similar. We both place great value on hospitality and giving of ourselves to help others, we are both pro-life (a discovery that I think shocked her, since most of the Christian pro-life literature likes to refer to abortion as a consequence of our "godless pagan culture." LOL is about all I can say to that), and we both love to discuss our faiths and the causes we are passionate about. There have been times in the past where I never would have believed such a good rapport with someone who holds such vastly different religious views was possible. I have encountered a lot of patronizing, a lot of subtle and overt exclusion, and even some open hostility, and for a while, it coloured my view of all Christians. This is an occasion where I am very happy to be proven wrong.

When I have more time, I would like to elaborate a bit on my views of other religions and interfaith relations, but some housework and other everyday drudgery awaits!

Fertility Failure

Most forms of modern Paganism have little to nothing to say in regards to morality, and don't really lay down any sort of laws or rules regarding how followers should behave. Our religions are based on a desire to know great truths about our universe, and to celebrate those truths as they are expressed through the natural cycles and processes around us. That is why our holidays generally coincide with celestial events and the passing of seasons. Morality is generally considered a societal issue, and while different traditions and beliefs will influence the moral decisions of those who subscribe to them, very few Pagans would say that their moral and ethical choices are made with regards to what their gods wish of them. There are exceptions, of course. Most Wiccan paths take very seriously the Wiccan Rede (An It Harm None, Do What You Will) but "harm" is quite subjective. Followers of Asatru (Norse Neo-Paganism) have the Nine Noble Virtues, but virtues such as Courage and Discipline, while important, can be said to be fulfilled by any number of actions in a given situation. Ultimately, the gods have generally left it up to us to figure out how to live together peacefully, and how to determine what is a good and proper life and what is not. Nevertheless, the culture that has formed around the modern day Pagan movement has allowed certain expectations to creep in. Gender roles are observed to varying degrees, but more often than not, there is a very clear distinction between the masculine and feminine "spheres." Fertility is considered a great virtue in women, and the birth of babies into the Pagan community is a HUGE cause for celebration. There may be a sense of validation there, in being able to pass on our relatively new (though influenced by ancient sources) traditions to a younger generation, since most of us converted later in life from other faiths. But, for whatever reason, the ability to bring forth new life is often considered one of the highest callings, the ultimate emulation of the Goddess as life-giver to all.

Though I know I shouldn't feel this way, I sometimes feel like a "bad Pagan," and even a "bad Woman," because I am reproductively challenged. Without going into a long story on my health, suffice it to say that getting pregnant will not be an easy road for me, if indeed, it ever happens at all. Intellectually, I know that I am not defined by my womb or it's contents, and that I am fulfilling my roles as wife, daughter, hearthkeeper, friend, caregiver, and HUMAN BEING quite well even without the added title of Mommy. I also know that my husband (hereafter referred to in this blog as "the Hubby") and I are both huge supporters of adoption (my own mother was adopted by my grandparents at the age of 2) and may very well adopt one day ourselves, regardless of whether or not we have any biological children. Still, there are times when this tiny voice deep in the back of my head starts to needle at me, telling me that I am not a real woman, that I am a failure, because it is so hard for me to do something that is supposed to just come naturally. There are 7 billion people on this planet, getting pregnant obviously isn't all that hard!

When this annoying voice begins to grow louder, and I find my self-esteem taking a dive, I try to take a few moments and separate the culture from the faith, and what other people say my worth is from what I know it to be. I contemplate the lessons of Athena, greek goddess of Wisdom and the Arts. She shows how to use the talents we have, how to embrace our abilities and use them for the benefit of ourselves and others. Her constant companion is Nike, the personification of Victory. With wisdom and self-knowledge, one will always be victorious. With intelligence and understanding of who we are, we can defeat the forces of doubt and fear. Those quiet moments when I sit in meditation and Athena comes to me, I am reassured that, no matter what I am not or don't have, I am still a well-rounded, important individual with a unique mind and heart that can contribute to this world.

Wicca: For Adults Only?

I am going to try to keep the bitching and soapbox climbing to a minimum on this blog, because my goal is to focus on how Pagan concepts and beliefs have been a positive influence on my life. This particular bit of news, however, I felt was worthy of some discussion on my part. In Salem, Missouri (appropriately enough) a public library blocked access to websites on Wicca, Native American Spirituality, and Astrology, deeming them "criminal" and the librarian even said she was obligated to report anyone who accessed the sites to the police (though I can't imagine what the police would do about it), even after she unblocked portions of the sites on request! The full story can be found here

It appears that the rationale behind this is that websites on non-mainstream, nature-based religions are considered "Adult," while websites on Abrahamic faiths are fun for the whole family. This is not unique to this one case in this one library. On most web-filtering software, there are vast, expansive lists of "occult" websites that are blocked automatically. Some of them, like websites on ritual murder or sex magick, may be considered inappropriate for very young children, and I am not against them being blocked from computers that are used by kids. They simply don't have the maturity to understand what they are seeing, and at best, would not get anything out of it, and at worst, would be absolutely terrified! On the other hand, websites that simply give information on various Pagan religions or concepts, their origins and prevalancy, and their various beliefs and traditions are also blocked. I don't know the reasons why individual software companies would chose to filter these sites, but I can hazard a guess as to why libraries and schools in certain areas of the country would want to use the software. It is a sad reality that the big three religions (Christianity, Judaism and Islam) have a long history of separatism, expansionism and forced conversion. Combine this with the rampant misinformation about Paganism, where we are often presented as amoral, violent, and all around dangerous consorts of demons and even Satan himself (whom we don't even believe in!). Even some of the more liberal Christians in this country are terrified at the thought of roving bands of witches sacrificing babies or whatever evil we supposedly do based on this week's supermarket tabloids.

Blocking all access to Pagan information, obviously, contributes to the misinformation by offering no reality check or counterpoint. If software companies insist on having these huge blanket filters against occult websites as their default, then it is up to individual libraries, schools and other establishments to set their own parameters in utilizing the software. I fully support the ACLU's endeavor to make this one school accountable, if indeed they violated the First Amendment Establishment Clause. If the library accepts federal funding, it sounds like they did, but cases like this are also why I believe it is so important to engage people on an individual level when discussing our beliefs as Pagans. When encountering situations like this, Pagans, and those wishing to learn about them, should approach those in charge and simply make their case: that the websites they wish to access are informational in nature and do not contain any objectionable material unless one objects to the mere learning about Paganism. I encountered this same situation when I was in high school when I tried to access a website on Wicca, and a quick trip to the front desk at the library solved the problem. For the most part, individuals are open and willing to listen to us. It is only mouthpiece pastors and other religious leaders, and the politicians who pander to them, who use us as a political football or a scare tactic to fill pews. There will always be those regular everyday folk, though, that have swallowed the crap those preachers and politicians are flinging, and that is unfortunate. But, we have the power to prove them wrong with every smile, every politely corrected misconception, and in extreme cases, every lawsuit.

The Gods and Me: Early Steps On My Path

My relationship with the Divine has been through a lot of different changes. When I was a child, I sat in my backyard for hours, drawing with chalk on the walkway that led from the back door out through the yard and speaking out loud to various deities (I am a rare breed of pagan in that I was born into it, but that's a post for another day), and offering the crude drawings to them in tribute for all the good things I had in my life. At the time, my belief in them was as literal as most children's belief in deity, and I took it for granted that they really were out there somewhere. This belief, while awe-inspiring, over time led to a sense of disappointment when I got no clear indication that they were ever listening to me. It contributed to a feeling of abandonment and disregard which plagued me throughout my childhood. Ultimately, I began to drift away from the old gods, believing that their silence simply signified non-existence and therefore, irrelevance. How simplistic we all are as children!

The desire for a spiritual life, however, remained, so I began to look into other religions. Looking back, I realize how unusual my intense desire for a God really was compared to other 12-year-olds. I visited Christian churches of all denominations and attended bible study groups (I was thrown out of most of them for asking "difficult" questions). I went to a reform synagogue, the only synagogue in walking distance where anyone would speak to me at all, where a female rabbi humoured me for a while. I even went to an Islamic center, where, shockingly, given the religion's reputation regarding women, I was treated with the most respect and the imam was very patient in attempting to answer my questions. I read every book on every religion I could find, and would even stop women in saris on the street to ask about Hinduism. Sometimes, I was in near desperation for answers, and given how contradictory most of the responses I was getting were, I felt they couldn't all be true. I also realized that there was no empirical evidence for any of their definitions of God. By my early 20's, I was calling myself an atheist, because I had no reason at all to believe any conception of God was true. I felt much more intellectually honest, but my soul, of which I was also doubting the existence, was burning for more. I knew that I didn't want to force a belief in something that I knew intellectually was not possible, but I also felt that a purely naturalistic worldview, with no mystery or creativity, would never feel satisfying to me. My sense of the aesthetics was too strong, my desire for myth and celebration too powerful to ignore. I don't exactly remember when I first began to learn about Pantheism, but it was a concept that creeped up on me slowly, almost intuitively. I had always felt a deep connection to nature, and awe at existence itself, and I began to discover that the divinity in nature is something that I had always recognized deep down. Sometimes, I think the divinity in nature originates in our desire for it, our choice to see nature as sacred, but I'm not sure. Whether the source of natural Divinity is internal or external to the human mind and heart, the results were the same. I began to look deeper into natural wonders, using all my senses to experience everything nature had to offer. The weight of a rock in my hand, the twinkling of stars in the night sky, the stormy blue of the ocean, I began to feel a deeper knowledge of them, an amalgamation of my intellectual appreciation for their physical realness and an emotional, spiritual attachment to them that I still have trouble putting words to.

In the last few years, I have begun to return to the gods of my youth, the Greek, Norse, and Celtic pantheons of my genetic, cultural, and spiritual ancestors, and develop a new relationship with them. Do I once again believe that they are out there somewhere, living out a tangible existence? Not really, but I won't rule anything out. Not being able to disprove a literal existence is not a good enough reason to have a literal belief, but it is a very good reason to keep an open mind. Whether they are out there or not, it doesn't change my day to day practices. I study their attributes, symbols, and legends, meditate on them, and apply them to particular events and situations in my life. They will provide a much-needed lesson, or a comforting message, or awaken a strength in me I had forgotten about or didn't know I possessed. Their power in my life goes well beyond mere literal existence!

Some have posed the question to me, "Aren't you reducing religion to plain old fiction? Doesn't the "Harry Potter" series teach important life lessons? Isn't the "Lord of the Rings" series inspiring? Well, how are your gods any different than any fictional character?" The short answer is, they aren't. I fully recognize fictional literatures power to inspire and teach, and I have been inspired by many a story and character in my day. The difference though, lies in the ancient traditions, celebrations, and philosophies that revolve around the deities. The gods provide a conduit for connecting with the past, understanding the present, and dreaming of the future.

Something's Different...

Well, to the 3 or 4 readers who used to come to this blog, this must be a bit of a shock. I have gotten rid of all the old crappy entries from when this blog was a bastion of misery and self-pity, and I have begun anew. I don't know if more people will come to this blog now, but frankly, it doesn't really matter. After years of struggling with finding and defining a spirituality for myself, I have finally reached a point in my life where I am comfortable in my beliefs. I think one of the biggest problems I had was allowing others to define what being spiritual and having a relationship with the Divine is all about. I had forgotten I have a brain of my own, and that my own personal experiences are valid and real. One of the greatest lessons I have learned in my journey towards embracing a naturalistic path of modern paganism is that spirituality is, and should be, an intensely personal experience. I fully support everyone's right to seek and find a Great Truth, and I am happy for those who find it, no matter where. What I do not support, and never will, is the idea of religious expansionism, or the idea that one's spiritual beliefs are the only acceptable ones, and all others should follow suit. I think a huge part of why this is such a widespread problem in our world is that so many take such a strong literalist approach to religion.

As humanity has evolved, and knowledge of the universe and our place in it has grown, the need for a literal belief in the supernatural has waned to practically nothing. We can see existence around us and know what is causing the waves to crash on the shore, why the sun rises and sets, and where our babies come from. Deities have evolved from an explanatory role ("what" is causing a natural phenomenon) in our universe to a metaphorical, illustrative one. This does not mean they are any less important than they once were, at least not to me. Through the study of ancient gods and goddesses, their myths and attributes, and how they were honored throughout history, I am able to connect to my cultural and spiritual ancestry, as well as feel a sense of awe, and even comfort, in my place in the wider existence. My spiritual needs are fulfilled, without compromising my intellect or conscience. I do not have to take anything on faith, and scientific knowledge is not an enemy of my religious convictions. I do not have to reject any scientific discovery on religious grounds because my religious convictions are rooted in a naturalistic worldview. Physical reality is the ground of being, and my religion is an outgrowth of my own emotional and intellectual responses to that reality. The fact that my gods are archetypal and metaphorical in nature does not mean they are not "real." If anything, they are more real to me than any intangible, supernatural, dogmatic deity ever could be. My gods grow and evolve along with humanity, and are intimately interwoven with my physical and mental identity. I am not indebted to them, I am not a groveling servant with no will or intuition of my own. They are my friends, my teachers, my environment and myself.