Letting Go of Loathing

Something in me has finally snapped. My brain has been either overloaded with more useful thoughts, or has finally rejected the nagging sense of self-loathing that has plagued me as far back as I can remember. I have wasted too many years feeling ugly and unloveable. Seriously, FAR too many years. It is not so unusual to have bouts of self-doubt, and even self-hatred, during one's teen years. In fact, it almost amounts to a cliché. For me, however, I have memories of my 4-year-old self looking into the mirror and speaking aloud to my reflection, "Nobody likes you. You are too tall and you are fat, and people don't like that." In addition to walking, speaking, and reading early, it seems I also got an early jump on insecurity.

Where could this possibly have come from? The easy answer would be to say that it was from my parents, and that's definately a huge contributer. A quick anecdote: When I was little, I had a pink ruffled bathing suit that I adored. I loved the way the ruffles floated on top of the water, and when wet, the shiny magenta material practically sparkled in the sunlight. It appealed to every sprout of girly sensibility taking root in my young mind. One day, my parents and I were going to the beach, and while they scurried around the house gathering the final supplies for a day of fun in the sun, I lay sprawled on the floor watching cartoons in my much-loved bathing suit, waiting to go. Suddenly, my dad walked up behind me and said, "Why the fuck do you wear that thing? You look like a beached whale. I'm embarassed to be seen with you, go put shorts on." I looked down at myself, and saw the expanse of my white, pudgy legs, and nodded in agreement. I went into my room and put on shorts, and a t-shirt for good measure, and refused to take them off all day. Mom heard about what he said later, and in an attempt to comfort me, she said, "Don't listen to him, that bathing suit is actually slimming on you. But it might be a good idea if you didn't eat so many sweets." Bear in mind, these things were being said to a 4-year-old!

That little story illustrates the dynamic between me and my parents throughout the course of my life. Dad insulted me, and I accepted it, because he always said that he loved me and wanted to be honest. Mom didn't like that he said and did cruel things to me, but she always put the burden on me to either repair my relationship with him myself, or to change myself into something he wouldn't want to make fun of. I could go on and on with examples of this, but frankly, I am sick to death of talking about it. I spent enough time and money in therapy rehashing all this to someone who just nodded, wrote a few notes, and told me that I needed to "love myself" (Gee, thanks for telling me something any Hallmark card could have told me). In regards to self-image, my parents pretty much set me up for failure from the start. The incessant bullying throughout my school years from other girls AND from boys (some of which became rather violence and once instance involved dead animals, but that's a story for another day), and our culture's impossible standards of beauty and subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) messages towards women that we are never quite good enough without this make-up, that dress, this cream, that powder, and so on, were the final nails in the coffin. Therapy did a lot to help me recognize how all this played out throughout my childhood and early adulthood, and how it formed my perceptions of myself, but did just about nothing to show me how to move past it. How do you form a new opinion of yourself after the majority of messages you have received from every arena of life have been that you are fat, ugly, unattractive, and that any good qualities you may have just don't make up for these defects? Even those that have tried to be supportive have usually framed their support around the notion that ,yes, I am ugly, but I have a "great personality." Even the most supportive people in my life have made it clear that I have some sort of defect. My husband is literally the only person who has ever told me that I am beautiful with no qualifications, no "you have such a pretty face, now if you could only drop a few pounds," or "you are unconventionally beautiful" (anyone with an IQ higher than a tomato's knows that this is condescending and does not make anyone feel better about themselves). To him, I am simply beautiful, no ifs, ands, or buts. I appreciate that everyday, but if that were the reason why I have given up on hating myself and seeing myself as ugly, then it would have happened a long time ago rather than today. For some reason or another, I am over hating my looks. I am done with basing my opinion of myself on how others see me.

But, what caused this? Truly, I do not know, but it has happened. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning and I paused for a moment. I looked at myself and spoke aloud, just as I did when I was little. "Fuck them all," I said, "I am beautiful, and no one else's words will ever change that." This is something I have been told to say in front of the mirror by quite a few well-meaning people, but it never had any effect before now. I feel beautiful. I feel worthy. Could it have been the spontanaity of the moment? Could it be that all the therapy and friendly advice finally sunk in after a long delay? Could it be that I have finally outgrown some sort of 28-year awkward phase, and I am now indeed a good-looking human being? Truly, I do not know. All I know is that I am done with this bullshit self-loathing. It has been lifted out of me and I feel lighter, more free. I don't think this is a religious experience, but I imagine this is how Christians feel when they are "saved," or when shamans enter into a different plane of existence in a state of ecstasy and receive some sort of wisdom from beyond. Something dirty and defiling has been removed from me, and has been replaced with a deep awareness of myself as a unique human being, possessing beauty purely by virtue of existing. I refuse to let this feeling go away, even after the inevitable happens and I am snickered at in the grocery store, or unabashedly pointed at on the street. I don't know where this newfound appreciation of myself has come from, but my sheer will and determination is going to keep it around.

The Muse is Upon Me!

Last Saturday, February 18, 2012, I returned to performing for the first time in at least 6 years. I was in school plays throughout my childhood, and in my early adult years, I performed poetry and dramatic readings in coffee houses and other venues, plus the occasional karaoke night. When I worked at Build-A-Bear Workshop in 2002, I was almost always the one in the big bear mascot suit for special events, dancing out in front of the store and posing for pictures (best. job. ever!). Aside from that, performing has always been an intermittent hobby for me, something I really love doing when I can bring myself to overcome my kneejerk shyness, self-consciousness, and introverted nature.

My return to the stage was not a huge spectacle. I played a bit part in the Florida Renaissance Festival's pirate show, which mostly consisted of screaming, running away, and diving behind a tent when a firefight breaks out. I will likely reprise this role again a couple of times before the faire finishes it's run. The hubby and I are part of the pirate re-enactment group, but due to erratic work schedules, do not perform in every show. It has been a real learning experience for me, as I have always experienced the faire from a patron's perspective. It has also taught me a lot about my own ability to push aside the negative, self-loathing thoughts about myself that nag at me and put myself "out there." As the Divine is present in all things, this of course has been a "spiritual" experience for me, for lack of a better term. While I have had an academic knowledge of the Muses for quite some time, I have not had much of a connection with them beyond acknowlegement. Before the shows last weekend, I offered up a praise to them, Thalia in particular, as the show is comical, and asked for their blessing and influence. I prayed for inspiration and confidence to lose myself in the magic of performing, and to focus only on the good aspects of myself, during the show and always.

Overall, it was rather exhilirating, and the audiences seemed to really enjoy themselves. This story is a great example of how the Divine is within all things and in all moments. That is a part of my worldview that I always find comforting. I can find the joy, the transcendance, the purpose and the beauty in even the most mundane things simply by choosing to recognize it.

Below, you will see a picture of me in costume. YARR!

Infuriating!

I have connected with some fantastic people online in the last couple of months, and that helps a bit with the feeling of isolation at being a part of such a minority religion. There are many fora and websites containing a wealth of information and opportunities to communicate with other Hellenes, draw support from one another, and discuss our views on the primary source material of our philosophies. That said, Great Zeus! Spending time on a Hellenic recon forum is like listening in on the popular clique in the high school locker rooms as they badmouth everyone who is different from them, and therefore inferior! It seems Timothy Alexander, the moderator at Hellenismos.us and author of several popular books on Hellenic Reconstructionism and those who follow him on the Hellenismos.us forum, have a very limited view of what Hellenismos is, and how it should be practiced. That is fine. Hellenismos has every right as a religious movement to be self-defining, and to distinguish itself from other paths, but adherents DO NOT have the right to bash others and make themselves out to be somehow better, more intelligent, or "purer" worshippers of the gods than those that do not follow the ancient greek orthopraxy. I have explored many different paths of practice and belief, and while only Hellenismos turned out to be right for me, I still see much beauty and validity in the vast tapestry of modern Paganism, so this is infuriating to me!

What's worse, most of their generalizations and negative stereotypes about other types of Pagans (and don't you dare call the Hellene's "Pagans," or you will be completely dismissed *eye roll*) are references to the most common "rookie mistakes" that newcomers to Paganism usually make and grow out of pretty quickly. Even non-Hellenic Pagans are put off by the Llewellyn-as-gospel crowd, but those with any common decency will be respectful and correct misconceptions regarding theology, ritual, and magick gently and without ridicule. Instead of that, Hellenismos.us has blog entries and forum posts along the times of "You Know You're A Fluffy Bunny If.." followed by jabs at New Age ideas AND the mentally ill, and other such clever (read: needlessly cruel) quips. I would expect Hellenes, with the emphasis on virtue and respectful actions toward others being so central to our worldview, to practice this simple act. Sadly, I am disappointed. I have read references to other types of Pagans as being "fluffy," "eye-twitch-inducing," "ignorant," "cultural theives" and more. I am sure that most of the people posting these hateful words have, at some time or another, been on the receiving end of equally awful insults from people of other religions. While most of the members of that forum seem to be invested in expanding Hellenismos and providing information and support for individuals and groups to develop their practices, I think forcing newcomers to wade through post after post of derogatory statements about the paths they are most likely coming from in the first place to be counter-productive to that goal. If being Hellenic means being mean and defamatory to other followers of other faiths (especially those that have nothing against yours!), well, no, I won't finnish that statement. That is exactly what Hellenismos is NOT! I am appreciative of all the information I have received from that forum, and I will continue to check in from time to time, but I do not think I will actually join it. I have enough negativity in my life dealing with a disapproving, mocking mother and living in a society that frankly, isn't too keen on any kind of polytheism, to get sucked into the self-important wanking. I am pretty sure most of the members there would get sick of me rather quickly because...

-I do not believe Wiccans, solitary, eclectic or otherwise, or any other Neopagans for that matter, are a monolith of ignorance. Nor do I see them as objects of ridicule, or as anything other than a diverse group of human beings who are bumbling along in life just like the rest of us, and possessing various levels of intelligence and ambition.

-I believe that all forms of religious practice, even those involving the greek gods in non-traditional ways, are valid so long as they are authentic to the practitioner's spiritual beliefs and are not forced upon others (I consider ridicule and insults to be force, as they are attempts at trying to alter the behavior of, and thus gain power over, others)

-I do not believe Athens in the Classical period is the be-all and end-all of Hellenismos. The Ancient Greek world was a vast place, with variances from region to region. I do not see adopting practices from a variety of Hellenic regions and time periods to be outside the sphere of what is Hellenismos.

-I believe I am still a Hellene despite these feelings, and anyone who doesn't simply does not register on my radar. This is the last I will speak of this subject, because I do not want to bitch and moan about people I disagree with constantly.

Traditional, But Not Closed-Minded. Any Others Out There!?

Though I love being a Hellene, and feel I am finally at the place I need to be, I must admit, it's a lonely process. I still love to interact with others in the Pagan community, but being Hellenic, and avoiding the eclecticism of mainstream Paganism when it comes to my own beliefs and practices makes me a bit of a minority within this minority. Most mainstream Pagans find me, and other reconstructionists, a tad confusing, as we tend to have more conservative values in regards to family and gender roles, do not place as much emphasis on spell-casting, and stay with one pantheon and one cultural perspective rather than an amalgamation of many. Eclecticism, and a more "do what you feel" attitude, is the mainstream in Paganism today, and while that was something I sought to move away from on my journey towards Hellenismos, I still strongly identify with the community as a whole. I moved away from the mainstream not because I thought it was bad or wrong in general, but because it was wrong for me. I was looking for something different. I do not hold any animosity or disdain for eclectic Pagans, even those who worship the Greek gods in non-traditional ways. We are all much more alike than we are different, and internal squabbles over petty differences just waste time and ultimately prevent us from learning from each other. The word "Pagan" (regardless of one's personal feelings about the word) has developed over time to refer to a very diverse, very beautiful, group. The origin of the word may have started as an insult, but that is not how it remained, and many have chosen to claim it as a badge of honor, a distinction between their spiritual views and the more popular, monotheistic ones. While we are a very diverse group, and while diversity is a good thing, and essential to the flourishing of life, there are some common threads that bind us, allowing the retention of a more unified, group identity as well. We all have a spiritual life that is devoted to ancient, polytheistic pantheons. We are non-Abrahamic, outside the "Big Three" of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, and reject the Abrahamic claim that we worship "false gods." No gods, even those that we do not personally worship, are considered "false" in Paganism, though there are some gods (Jehovah, or Yaweh, being one of them) that many of us will chose to avoid entirely, and this is done for a variety of reasons, ranging from mere disinterest to full-on disgust. I believe there is no one way to be a Pagan that is "better" than any other way. Sadly, my time spent on websites that are exclusively Hellenic Reconstructionist in their focus has proven this to be an unusual view, and there is a lot of anger and mocking directed at the more eclectic types, as though the Gods are smiling down on them and their odor-free bowel excretions alone. This is something I cannot tolerate.

I have made the decision to follow a more traditional path, to honor the gods as they have been honored in the past, to connect with my greek heritage in this way and to embrace this lifestyle and all it's virtues. I do so because it is right for me, and accomplishes my spiritual goals of having a strong, established tradition that also allows for personal freedom and encourages intellectual pursuits and the unhindered search for truth. I do not do it because I feel the gods have to be worshipped in this way. I do it because I have to worship this way in order to feel connected to the Divine in an authentic way. Authenticity in spiritual matters is very personal, and there is no one-size-fits-all orthopraxy, even among devotees of the same gods. I do not consider myself better by any measure than those who have different expectations of their spiritual life, or practice in a different way. I do not believe the gods are angered by a variety of different ways of honoring them, so why should I take offense to it? I would love to find more people who have struck this balance. I want to get to know other Hellenes and reconstructionists, and share our personal adventures in worshipping, in studying the ancient texts, and in attempting to be true to the ancient practices while still living modern lives, without having to hear the judgemental, self-righteous, bullcrap about "fluffy bunnies," and witchy-poos" when referring to people who are just starting down their path, or have gone in a different direction than they did. More than likely, the people saying these awful things were once in the same place as those they are mocking now, and it is sad that they are so blind to it!

A Little Miracle

Yesterday was rather interesting. The Hubby, Mom, and I drove up to Quiet Waters Park where the Florida Renaissance Festival is held to pick up our faire and parking passes. Hubby is in one of the reenactment groups, so we all get in for free. I love the faire, the food, the costumes, the historical inaccuracy, it's all fun! The park itself is really peaceful, wide-open and expansive, and full of interesting native wildlife, including the turtle that was stuck in the chain-link fence near the entrance to the park! I spotted her as we were driving in, and we immediately pulled over to help. As I picked her up, I looked around and saw no holes in the fence that she could fit through, so I guessed she must have come from the canal across very busy Powerline Road. It must have been quite a journey! She was fully grown and appeared to be in good shape, but I don't know how long she was stuck in the fence, baking in the hot sun (It was about 80 degrees in Deerfield Beach, and sunny for most of the day). As I held her in the car, she retreated into her shell, just barely peeking out. I silently prayed to Artemis, Mistress of Wild Animals, to help me soothe her and gain her trust. After a few minutes, she poked her head out and began examining all of us, stretching her little neck as far as it would go to look around at these strange creatures who rescued her from the fence. She seemed very calm and relaxed after that. We entered the park and found a secluded spot by the Pirate's encampment on the fairgrounds. There was a ten-foot embankment leading down to the water, which was not easy to traverse in flip-flops while maintaining a firm grasp on a turtle! I thought I was going to do a header right into the water and send the turtle flying through the air! But, I made it down to the sand, and set her down about two feet from the water's edge. She looked back at us one last time, then went straight into the water and disappeared. I felt like I had saved the whole world!

The whole event got me thinking about the movie that just came out, "Big Miracle," about how an entire Alaskan town, the U.S. Army, and the Soviet Union all worked together to free 3 trapped whales from pack-ice, spending millions of dollars in the process and drawing both admiration and criticism from people all over the world. I don't think I will be going to see it, mostly because I just get too emotional during "cute animal" movies, and I don't need to be a quivering wreck for the next week, but I have been reading about the true story of what happened. A lot of people didn't like the idea of intervening in what can be honestly described as a natural occurence. Animals get trapped in ice every day, and die in countless other ways that have nothing to do with human activity. Should we endanger human lives, even those of volunteers, and spend a lot of taxpayer's money to free three animals from a natural event? My answer to that is, would you want to be helped if you were trapped like that, and in very real danger of starving to death, or otherwise meeting an untimely end? Someone came upon these animals and discovered their predicament, and others soon joined in and wanted to help. When you see someone or something suffering because you happened to be in the right place at the right time, how can we even argue over whether or not helping was the right thing to do? Ultimately, the whole event, or non-event, as a book about the rescue deemed it, was about a lot more than just three whales. It was an opportunity. It was a chance to bring out the best in humanity; compassion, teamwork, understanding, and appreciation for all living beings, even in the face of the Cold War! Yes, there were personal, professional, and political motivations driving a lot of the key players in this saga, but that does not detract from the ripple effect the entire event had on the world. It raised awareness about ecology and the environment. It reminded us that we share this world not only with each other, but with other forms of life that are just as complex and precious as we are. It is a story that became a legend, a tale to tell the next generations to illustrate all that is good in our world. Sometimes, we need those things to happen. Sometimes, as human beings, we need the whales, and the turtles, to live.

A Place For The Gods And Me

Even though I am very devoted to my Hellenic beliefs and practices, I have been unable, as of yet, to perform one of the most basic acts of devotion and worship. I have not been able to contruct an altar in which to actually carry out ritual prayers and spend time in contemplation. When I have done ritual, I have had to make do with arranging my offering plates, incense burners and other items on any random flat surface in the house. I have, upon occasion, taken my things outside and conducted ritual out by the lake, but as we live in a condominium complex, there are always other people passing by, and while I am not ashamed of what I do, it is very distracting to have people stop and stare, and even come up and interrupt me to ask questions! So, I tend to keep my acts of worship confined to inside the house, but there is no assigned place for it, and this bothers me.

It is not because I have been lazy or uninterested in having a permanant, dedicated place. It is because I am afraid of putting up and dedicating an altar, only to have it desecrated and polluted, which I am sure will happen almost immediately, because that is what happened the last time I tried to do it! My mother, whom I live with and act as her caregiver due to various physical and mental disabilities, despite being a Pagan herself (albeit much more along the lines of "fluffy" eclectic Wicca), has no respect for my decision to embrace Hellenismos, and shows as much by such passive-aggressive acts as leaving drinking glasses and food plates on my altar, or throwing other household items on top of it, and even taking items from the altar and throwing them out or moving them somewhere else! She completely ignored my repeated, polite requests to leave my personal items alone, and if I throw a fit and get angry about it, she accuses me of being oversensitive! She has even done this if I try to construct the altar away from any common areas in the house. I know she is not well, and due to severe anxieties and obsessive behaviors, can't help some of what she does. Even in her most lucid moments, however, she has made it very clear that she doesn't like that I have a very different worldview than her, and does not want to support me in my spiritual life at all, and will continue to make it difficult for me to practice.

This may seem random and odd for someone to do to their adult daughter, especially coming from a Pagan, someone who is part of a group almost notorious in their acceptance of a wide variety of views and practices! What you have to understand about my mother and my relationship with her is that it is very, VERY unhealthy. Tt this point, though, it is mostly unhealthy on her end. As an adult, I have spent a lot of time, energy, and money in therapy in order to establish emotional distance and set healthy boundaries, but my mother continues to be very enmeshed in my life. She cannot do anything, even get dressed in the morning, without trying to involve me in it in some way. She throws fits and threatens suicide if I close the door while using the bathroom! As a child, I was not allowed to be involved in any activities outside of school, because she did not want me to have any independant interests that she could not control. I had to beg and plead just to be allowed to go on play dates with kids my own age, and even then, she would rarely give in. "You have a perfectly good house," she would say, "Why do you want to go somewhere else when you can stay here with me?" She even tries to invite herself on "date nights" with me and the hubby, and takes great offense no matter how gently I try to tell her that we need time alone, and lays guilt trips about how lonely and unloved she is as soon as we get home! Her disgust at my having different religious views than her is really just an extension of her disgust at the fact that I am a different person than her, and will never be her clone/constant companion. In her mind, I exist only to do and say what she wants me to, and since it is just not possible for that to be the dynamic, I have to accept that she will continue to make herself unhappy, and it is not my fault. Since her health has begun to deteriorate, a lot of these behaviors have gotten worse. She tends to isolate herself from the few friends she has, and then complain that no one wants to be around her, even when she refuses to answer the phone when they call. I have learned to live with all of this, and I have gotten better about not giving in to the guilt and feeling bad for simply taking some time for myself or for my marriage. It saddens me that she is suffering so badly, but her mental illness is not something I can make go away by giving in to her manipulations and desperate pleas for attention. I have to continue to live and work around it, even though some things, like her willful destruction of my altars, makes me very angry.

Recently, however, I have come into possession of a large (about 20"x20"x10"), sturdy, velvet-covered box that I think I am going to turn into a portable, easily hidden, altar. I really don't like having to do that, as it feels inauthentic and somewhat disrepectful to the Gods, and to the history and culture of Hellenismos, to shrink everything down and jam it into a little hiding place. On the other hand, I also think it would be much more disrespectful to allow an altar to be desecrated, which I would be doing if I construct it in the open. So, right now, it appears to be the only option. I am going to really put some time into it, and make this portable altar as personal and special as I can. I will post pics when it is done!

So My Head Is Covered, How About The Rest Of Me?

I have recently joined a group on Facebook where I have connected with some amazing women, all headcovering Pagans of various paths. I am so proud to be associated with a group of strong, intelligent, passionate women who live their beliefs and do not succumb to stereotypes, be they from other Pagans or outsiders. No matter what religion someone belongs to, it seems that the decision to cover one's head is a powerful statement, and people do react to it. Some see it as a bold declaration of belief, others see it as a symbol of female oppression (which is very silly to me, because my choice to headcover has nothing to do with being a woman, and I would fully support any man who chose to wear a headcovering as a part of his spiritual beliefs, and indeed, there are many who do), and some see it as both, but one thing is for sure, people notice. At the end of the day, though, I am accountable only to myself and my gods, and a few sideways glances or insensitive comments do not hurt as much as stifling myself. Finding other like-minded women has been a blessing, an incredible source of support and inspiration. Recently, the topic of modesty came up in our discussions, and it got me thinking about my own personal clothing choices. I love clothes, accessories, and jewelry, and I have gone through many different fashion "phases" from the time I was a teenager. I have had my moments of impetuous youth, but in general, I was never one for dressing particularly "slutty," at least not in public (in the bedroom with a partner is an entirely different story!). I do not see the human form as dirty, or wrong to display. I have even posed nude for art classes, and it was an empowering experience! The gaze of the students was not objectifying in the least. It actually felt empowering because I was being appreciated for my own unique looks in a way entirely outside the commercialized, airbrushed standards of "beauty" our culture tends to venerate. The students were eager to create a work of art based on my form, using their own unique talents to bring out different aspects of me that even I didn't know were there!

That said, my day to day public life is not an art class, and I much prefer to have the focus on my personality and mind rather than my body. While my choice to headcover is a religious one, my choice to dress modestly is more personal. But, what exactly do I mean by "modest?" This can be tricky to answer. Is it "modest" to wear an ankle length skirt if it is brightly coloured with an intricate pattern? Sure, it covers you up, but it also attracts attention, drawing the viewers eye into the pattern. Then again, the attention is on the skirt, not the body, so in that sense, it can be seen as modest, since it is not eroticizing the body of the wearer. To me, modesty is about choosing clothing that enhances one's inner beauty, the spark of life that radiates from within with intelligence, grace, and humility. It is about carrying oneself in a way that is dignified and commands respect. Being a sexual being does not subtract from these qualities, but displaying one's sexuality can make them harder to notice, and as I said before, my sexual life is exclusive to my monogamous relationship, so why display what I am not giving out to anyone else? I don't see a need to take it to any extremes, covering up every inch of flesh is not the point. Plus, living in a sub-tropical climate would make it uncomfortable at best, and dangerous at worst! Heatstroke is no laughing matter.

My usual wardrobe consists of skirts that reach the knee or lower (I prefer ankle length, mostly because I am tall and it creates a nice line), and tops with cap sleeves at the very least (tank tops are ok when I am just hanging around the house, but if I leave, I will put on an overshirt of some kind). I don't worry too much about having a high neckline, but the general rule is that it has to be at least an inch or so above the beginning of my cleavage. I have been known to wear pants occasionally, but I find them restricting and too revealing of the shape of my, um, intimate area. My ideal amount of coverage is usually something like this-

Granted, this was taken at a Renaissance Faire, but you get the idea. As you can see, I am a full-figured woman, and some have implied that I am using modesty as an excuse to hide my "flaws." This says a lot more about them and their view of larger women than it says about me or my view of myself. I LOVE my body. I am grateful for it's abilities, and accepting of it's limitations. I am not perfect, but that is because perfect doesn't exist! Believe me, I have had no shortage of people who find me desirable and attractive, and that's okay. It is nice to be appreciated for any reason, but I chose to dress in a way that encourages appreciation of so much more than just the physical.